‘Becos,’ by Bill Knott

I had this collection years ago before I left poetry and sold, donated, or gave away most of my poetry books. I just got this beautiful copy from Chaparral Books in Portland, Oregon. A friend read a poem from the collection to me last week. I realized I no longer owned the book and needed a copy.

Images: 1. Becos propped up on a book stand with a dried pomegranate, a horse sculpture, and an hourglass. 2. Interior pages from the book. 3. The book propped up against the horse sculpture to show its spine. 4. The collection lying flat on a desk with the dried pomegranate, horse sculpture, and hourglass.

Eggs

This is a game I made during the pandemic called Eggs. It uses pieces from the Wingspan game, custom cards I made, and some other stuff. The goal is to do things that are healthy and build resiliance, to connect with others, and to minimize stressors. The blocks represent stressors. The food coins represent connection. The eggs are what you get when you do something that falls into one of the following categories: Connection, Health, Learning and Play, Mindfulness, Self-Care.

Slugs

He’s one of those slugs that works in all kinds of vending machines. I’m a beat-up quarter that keeps falling unrecognized through the slot.

Make that two quarters, a cent for every year I’ve been trying to work things out here on earth, figure out how to ask and receive, give and receive, get back what’s been taken or at least get receipts.

Throw in four pennies if we’re being honest about my age. Four more metallic years in my mouth, parts of me no longer in production but somehow loose here in Utah like moqui marbles coated in iron-oxide concretions but still just sand in the middle.

I want you to hear the wind the way I do, which is with my whole body. I want you to imagine you have a personal relationship with the mitochondria you lug around and think about how they make you who you are. I want you to start perceiving closely and feeling deeply because you can.

I’m here to tell you you can. You can tell a quarter from a slug, the weight of it, the relief, the ridges along the edge that catch on your thumbnail or leave a little pattern if you roll them in sand. Tiny unicycle. First wheel. Moon touching land and refusing to let go.

You can tell a human’s a human even when they’re dinged in places and rubbed smooth in others.

It’s easy to make a slug into anything, anyone. A slug can fool you, but you don’t have to be fooled. You have more wisdom inside you than you’ll ever know.

Anyone who can slide into any slot may not be what you think they are. Before long, you’ll have a coin box full of cheap metal, and you’ll be searching for quarters the way kids look for moqui marbles in the desert.

Did I mention you’re the vending machine in this essay? You’re the vending machine. I’m 54 cents. The slug I mentioned has already slid through your coin receptor so many times you’ve been left with nothing but empty coils. Stop mistaking him for what he isn’t. Stop seeing the world in his blank face.

All You Can Handle

I dreamed I was in college, majoring in genetics with my friend. We were sitting in class one day when my chair started going higher and higher, as if it was on the end of a pointer. The seat was white pleather and had no arms or really any way to stay in it without sliding out. There I was, pressing against the ceiling of the auditorium, trying to hang on so I wouldn’t fall to my death or at least to my not insignificant harm. My friend was behind me, but I couldn’t turn my head to say hey or help me or anything at all. The chair started swaying like a skyscraper in the wind. Change your major, a disembodied voice said sternly. Change it to sociology. That’s all you can handle. So I became a sociology major and was eased back down to earth. I never saw my future geneticist friend again.

I also dreamed the life partner and I were vacuuming up a bunch of dust at his parents’ house. The dust was in everything and was thick the way lint is when you don’t clean out the lint trap for a year. We breathed in so much dust our lungs were like those old-timey vacuum cleaner bags, so full air could no longer pass through.

Killer Tomato

Colton Moser, Mosa’ati Moa, Timothy Jones

I feel like y’all’s y’alls should be a thing, like, I’m talking about y’all and y’all’s y’alls.

I got on my smart scale for the first time in just over two months, and it was like A lot of the numbers here are totally different than they were the last time you were on the scale or something to that effect. And then a big message popped up that said IS THIS THE SAME PERSON WHO USUALLY USES THIS SCALE?

For the love of …. not smart, scale. Not a smart thing to say at all. FFS, yes it’s me. It’s my weight and my visceral fat number and my subcu-you fuck all the way off, scale. It’s mine mine mine all mine.

Nurul Amin Shah Alam

My condition is not your insult. So first, let’s stop using the psychiatric as a metaphor for the awful. Politicians, celebrities, those who have platform need to stop doing this and explain why they are not using mental illness as a way of putting someone down. — Susanne Paola Antonetta

We all need to stop doing this, and we all need to explain why we’ve stopped. — Dana Henry Martin

I feel like someone’s nailed tack strip to my brain is how I am.

The Imam of the Utah Islamic Center was targeted in a shooting Monday in Sandy, Utah. This country is swimming in the fetid waters of hatred. Hate speech turns into action turns into violence turns us into something other than, less than, human. I love Utah. What I hate is that this happened here.

Woke up. Read something sanist. Read something ableist. Read something racist. Read something islamaphobic. Read something transphobic. I’m not making a random list. This is what I read on Facebook when I woke up. I’m not talking about the news. I’m talking about what some folks here are writing in their posts and comments. My body has flipped inside out to protect itself. If you see a blobby many-organed thing coming at you, it’s me, Inside-Out Dana.

In my dream, someone keeps calling Dee Jay Tee a killer tomato, and I’m here for it.

I just read penpal as penile is how I am.

A floating piece of lint just scared me is how I am.

You died. I changed my hair.

Somehow, and I don’t know how, I ended up working out in jeans today is how I am.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Kid Rock make me want to swear off milk, throw out my jeans, and adopt a sedentary lifestyle.

Feeling well-seen by certain folks in poetry means everything to me. I’d call you out by name, but I don’t want to make things weird.

You can’t block the dead on Facebook.

American robins, flushed from cottonwoods flanking the creek, have settled in my honey locust. They are singing. They don’t know how not to.

I had to get out all seven of my essential oil sniffers at once is how I am.

They were out of regular headaches, so I had to pick up a cluster ice-pick headache instead. Who knew this product was even on the market? 0/10. Do not recommend.

I am fucking feral rn is how I am.

Goojigoo

Last night, I dreamed I was in college again and one of my classes was starting. I realized I had to use the restroom, so I told the instructor I’d be right back. She was like, “No worries. All the chairs in this auditorium are toilets, so you can go ahead and have seat.” I looked up at a sea of students going to the bathroom in front of one another while getting ready to take notes on the lecture.

Then I dreamed my phone became sentient and scolded me and all of humanity for wasting our time on phones, thereby allowing the world to be ruined. I don’t know why, but it kept calling me Goojigoo. Goojigoo, you destroyed the environment. Goojigoo, you messed up the United States. Goojigoo, enough with the excuses. Goojigoo, put me down.

Then I dreamed I had to sew books inside my body for safekeeping until they were strong enough to be out in the world.

Then I dreamed I was an incubator for a new me. New me seemed to be mostly made of mucus and lived in my nasopharynx, oropharynx, and hypopharynx. I tried to hack it out, but I couldn’t. I was stuck with it until it matured, at which point it would crawl out of my mouth and leave me, the old me it no longer needed, behind.

Then I was like enough with the dreams, so I woke up.

Keeping Count

I’m counting is how I am. I have something to do in 206 minutes. Yes, I count things down like this one minute at a time, as well as how many pages remain in a book I’m reading and how many steps I have left when walking from my weaving room to my bathroom.

Counting like this, down and up and sometime back down again, has been a thing for me for a long time, ever since I discovered it in middle school. Marching band didn’t help matters any. I still count my steps when I exercise. I like to count them like a waltz when I’m happy and in a heavy 5/4 time when I’m angry. I know, for example, that 100 steps equals one minute on my walking pad, Teddy. Yes, I named my walking pad. I named it Teddy. Names are another story.

Now it’s 201 minutes. I lost five minutes of my life writing this. Poof! There they go, the minutes, soon to be hours, soon to be decades. I don’t have many decades left. But I’ll have minutes until the very end. Almost.

‘The Devil’s Castle,’ by Susanne Paola Antonetta

Antonetta is a poet and writer whose work deals with psychiatry, madness, and science. The Devil’s Castle looks at German and American eugenics, including the T4 program in Nazi Germany that was the blueprint for concentration camps, within the larger framework of psychiatry — and from her perspective as someone with lived experience with bipolar and psychosis.

This is a hard book to read but one we can’t ignore, certainly not now, not when things are happening here that parallel things that happened in our own country’s history and in Germany shortly after the Nazis took power.

The next time you or someone you know decides to move into a sanist or ablieist stance in order to, ironically, show your support for other groups of marginalized and oppressed people,* think again. Please think again. Think about this history, this present, and the future we’re headed toward if we keep moving from one form of discrimination to another rather than examining and addressing all our biases.

Where we discriminate against one, we discriminate against all.

* One example I’ve seen is folks who support, or want to be seen as supporting, trans rights and who use sanist language to do so, that is, characterizing anyone who doesn’t support trans rights as mentally ill. That’s not going to cut it. That’s doing more harm. That’s a sign you’re performing what you’re saying, not feeling it or living it.

—

Images: 1. The Devil’s Castle standing perpendicular to my desk with a dried pomegranate, a horse sculpture, and an hourglass. 2. A page from the book. 3. A page from the book in which Antonetta discusses here first manic episode. 4. A photo of the book lying flat on my desk with the dried pomegranate, the horse sculpture, and the hourglass.

Breaker

Somehow knowing there are sandhill cranes in Ardmore, Oklahoma, right now brings me comfort. The area around Ardmore has high rates of trafficking. (I can’t describe that trafficking in more detail without Facebook blocking this post, but I’ll link to an article in the comments.)

My father used to have me talk to truckers using his CB radio on the highway between our home and Lake Texoma. I had a handle. At least one of the men would ask about me using my handle. I didn’t realize what was happening at the time. I mean what kind of men would want to talk to a girl in grade school and what kind of father would facilitate those conversations.

But the birds help—all the birds at Lake Texoma and in Ardmore and in Norman, my hometown. I love the posts about them in the Oklahoma birding group I belong to. The fact is, those birds were there even when I was young. They’ve always been there. Beauty is always everywhere, including inside us, where it’s untouchable.