Maybe while Hollywood writers are on strike, people could read some books.

Derived from an advertisement for animal laboratory instrumentation:

Mouse guillotine: One hard thrust of the handle provides instant results.

Birds flock to the trees in my yard, and I have nothing to say to them.

Advice: Typing is inadvisable while wearing finger puppets.

(and)

Wrote this whole post while wearing finger puppets—wee faces into keys!

I touched my skin today as if it weren’t my own and nearly liked it.

I’m on Claritin and it’s time to get the poetry party crunk!

The elevator’s mechanical heart throbs as it lifts me higher.

Overnight, it seems the pigment has leaked from each hair on your body.

I went back on birth control pills and holy moly: instant boob job.

(and)

To the cashier at Yakima Fruit Market:

Hey, quit flirting with my husband because you think he looks like Moby.

My lint roller’s the closest I’ve come to being felt up in ages.