Author: Dana Henry Martin

Barnacled

I dreamed barnacles were responsible for creating and destroying universes. Each universe was cast out into spacetime like one of the nebula projectors Bo Burnham uses in his performances. I was part of a group that was combing intertidal zones all over the world looking for the barnacle that was casting our universe. We needed to figure out how to make that barnacle live forever or how to transfer our universe to another barnacle before the current barnacle died.

The barnacles had been doing this handoff successfully on their own up to this point for the past 500 million years but, because of climate change, their ability to keep our universe, and therefore all the universes that our universe made possible through other barnacles, was in jeopardy. I know this makes no sense. It was a dream. There’s a lot more to the dream that I don’t remember. I did think, This is the most amazing dream ever, and I can’t wait to tell everyone about it, as I was having the dream. I’m pretty sure the parts of the dream I’ve forgotten wouldn’t make it make more sense.

Yes, I know barnacles are younger than the universe. That’s one big problem with my dream. Maybe some other system was in place before the barnacles took over. Or maybe the barnacles weren’t the whole story but rather a subset of a larger experiential phenomenon organized like a social network with an infinite number of dense, centralized, and fragmented components that are loosely tied to one another and maybe even jostle loose from time to time.

Maybe the barnacles were dreaming worlds much the way humans dream worlds while asleep and awake. Maybe every living thing is casting out universes every moment, ones that either do or do not die when they do.

Image: Acorn Barnacle Anatomy #1, a photograph by Science Photo Library that was uploaded July 12, 2016. Link in comments.

Exiles

Three nights ago, I dreamed I was living in a cultlike community that I couldn’t leave. I had no idea how I got there. I was just there, and I didn’t want to be.

Everyone had to do work to earn their keep. I tried to learn how to spin yarn, but I was so slow I barely earned any water, let alone food. The machine that dispensed the water was complicated. I kept putting my cup in the wrong place, so water went everywhere other than my glass, and I squandered my portion for the first several days.

When I finally got my cup lined up properly, a sugary bright-blue liquid came out. I was told it was better than water because it would give me the energy I needed to work faster. You don’t want to have to do what those who aren’t productive have to do, another community member, a little girl, told me.

Everyone slept in a basement that seemed to go on forever. Maybe it was a converted tunnel. There were no walls. All the furniture was honey blonde and part of matched sets that marched into the distance. Heavy headboards. Mirrored dressers. Worn, earth-toned bedding. All the beds were adult-sized, but there were no adults here. Everyone in this place, other than me, was a child.

Toys and children’s books were piled high with even higher drifts off to the side. I tried to make room for the belongings in a small bag I had with me. I somehow knew these toys and books were important, that we needed them, and that I needed whatever was in my bag, but there was nowhere to move anything to make space for my things. I propped my bag on one of the dressers and thumbed through a box of photos, pausing to look at several of my sister when she was young. I wondered when she would come see me, come save me, knowing she wouldn’t.

I held up a photo of myself that was taken at my grade school when I was seven years old. I had bright blond hair pulled back on one side with a barrette that had cherries printed on it. My dress was burnt red and made of velvet. My front teeth were oversized and still had a gap between them. I looked happy and desperate.

Someone who seemed to be both of and not of this place called my name and took a Polaroid photo of me when I turned around. The entity appeared to have a degree of omniscience. When the photo developed, it looked like the one from when I was seven. How can this be, I asked. I’m an adult, not a child. I looked in one of the dresser mirrors and saw myself as I am today. How could I be one thing in the mirror and another in the photo?

That’s when I realized, with the help of the entity, that everyone in this place was one of their exiled parts. None of us were children. We only looked like children because our exiles are children. This wasn’t even a real place. It was a liminal space we inhabited collectively as exiles. I didn’t know how to leave, so I woke up and left my exile there with the others.

White Salamanders

We invented numbers, then we assigned meaning to them, both everyday meanings and special meanings when they show up in a certain way, like 11:11. That’s how everything we do works. We make something up. We agree on what it means, or at least some of us do. We find aberrations that appeal to our cognitive biases and imbue those aberrations with magic, extraordinariness. We can’t just accept that everything is extraordinary all the time, no sleight of hand needed. No tall tales.

But we love stories, don’t we? Stories like the white salamander letter. (Look it up. You won’t regret it.) Even I love that story and am terribly sad it was based on a forgery. A real untrue story, fully committed to, is better than a con, I think. It’s close to poetry. Maybe it doesn’t matter: origin, intent. Something in us needs stories, and we’ll get them one way or the other.

I dreamed I was in a large, tiered, auditorium-style room looking for a place to sit so I could read a book and drink some tea from a demitasse teacup. I was dressed like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Everyone else in the room was male or male-bodied. All the seats were leather and moist from the glandular skin of those who’d recently sat in them. None of the seats were right for me.

I suddenly felt scared and ran out of the room into a long hall. It was a secret part of the library in my hometown at the university where my father worked. Red carpet and decor. Brown spines. Brown wood. Books covering every wall all the way to the ceiling. The smell of dust and leather and cigars. The air hazy.

A man in a tophat and his rabbit held open the curtain to an adjoining room. The curtain was maroon and heavy, with thick twisted gold fringe, the kind where each twist is under constant tension from being held in its contorted shape. I walked through it. I have no idea what happened next, but I know something happened next.

I write stories in my sleep, that rich world I visit every night. What comes to me is essential, life-giving nonsense. I couldn’t live without it. That world is loose, vivid, surprising, and informed by every moment of my life, all outside of time. Ah, time. Now, we’re back to numbers, their rigidity and our desire to break them out of that box they must live in most of the, ahem, time to serve us and let them walk through the curtain into who knows what, who knows where. All we want to do is follow.

A Pound of Honey

There are black vultures in parts of Oklahoma. Tell me that’s not a reason to move back there.

Your near rain is my far rain. You, there. Me, here. Native sparrows gather in the wildlands behind my house as winter surrounds yours. They say what you won’t, what you can only feel. Cold, they say. Seed. Wind, they say. Wind.

Something happened a couple of days ago that has me so shaken I woke in tears this morning. It’s related to poetry, to poets. Of course it is. For my health, for my life, for my future, I need to limit who I’m intacting with, where I’m publishing my work, and where I’m spending my time in poetry and as a poet. I support kind, generous, compassionate poets and the journals and presses they run. I will continue to support those poets, journals, and presses. But all the rest? It doesn’t have a place in my life. I’ve seen enough. I choose a different approach to writing, a different community, a different way of being in the world.

Watching a baby goat take a shower is how I am.

For only $69.99, you can send a bag of mystery bones to someone you love. So there’s that.

I’m spending Thanksgiving with my loved ones: the life partner, our dog, and Bo Burnham.

Despite everything, I’m thankful for everything.

My poems are like webs I weave under every bridge, every cliff, here in canyon country. They’re not just for me. They’re for everyone who lives here and needs something to catch the light when they look down, when they find themselves leaning forward.

Ironically, I really need a paperweight right now.

In a stunning turn of events, I don’t like handblown glass paperweights as much as I thought I did.

I dreamed I was made of cotton and kept pulling parts of myself from myself until there was no me left.

Marbles are so emotional. One member of the marble-identification group shared a note a woman wrote about the marbles she played with when she was a child in the early 1900s. Her name was Lulu. She kept her marbles and note in a face-powder box. Another person found a coin purse at an estate sale with three wheat pennies and a single marble inside. The poster writes: This was somebody’s treasure.

I dreamed I married my husband’s brothers, even the dead one, and was also an evil clown is how I am.

I just joined a marble-identification group on Facebook is how I am.

The life partner woke me up eating a pickle on the other side of the house is how I am.

I don’t have a lot of words right now. It took me twelve hours to get out of bed and onto the sofa today and another two to make it to my desk. Now, I’m headed back to the sofa and then back to bed. It is very hard to be outside of language. It means I’m outside of hope. It’s going to take some time to come to terms with that feeling, if that’s even possible.

I don’t know who Facebook thinks I am, but it’s trying to send me a vacuum-packed cow brain in the mail. Also, a pig heart in its pericardium. A sheep-organ set. A turkey gizzard. Petrfied snapping turtle feet. A cat in a box, a skinned cat, an economy cat, a pregnant cat, a small cat, and a cat skull. A cut-open dogfish shark. A sea squirt. Half a sheep’s head.

I just misread something as Mr. Bananajeans, and now I need to find an animal I can call Mr. Bananajeans.

The life partner saw the two-person steam sauna I put in our Amazon cart and removed it is how I am.

In my despair, I put a two-person steam sauna in my Amazon cart is how I am.

Lines from my dream: Alive to the moment, / unaffected by the heat, / penetrated by the Midwestern sun / pocked with chicken-laden pastures, / I wait for a rapture that never comes.

I’m a little bit grumpy. The life partner and I are having a funeral tonight for the part of me that can no longer live safely in the world, but he keeps saying mixed weenies over and over because, hours ago, that’s what he thought I was saying when I actually said McSweeney’s.

Grammarly says I wrote 122,765 words last week. Really? Where are they?

I live in poetry. I survive in prose.

Maybe I cast light on poetry’s shadow. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Come to terms with that shadow and with what you are in response to it. That’s the work that must be done before understanding and integration can occur at the individual and collective levels. Don’t blame me for the shadow. I didn’t create it. I am not it. You’ve conflated me with a system, with you.

I dreamed my ex told me he couldn’t choose me because all choice is limitation and restricts freedom. I’ll take you for now, he said. But I don’t choose you and never will. He said this as I cleaned the dirt from his boots off his favorite ottoman.

Ten years is nothing to eternity.

I don’t think I’m ever going to heal. I don’t know if I’m even going to survive.

My love is in my feet today so it can hit the ground as I walk.

My neighbor blows all the dust down the street and back into the wildlands.

As hard as it is at times to live with empathy, I wouldn’t want to live without it.

During the election coverage, I rubbed my boobs on the TV.

While you sleep, bees will honey your lips the way they did when Plato was an infant. Then you will kiss me sweet, love me sweet. I will die sweet on your vine. Oh, sugar. Oh, conjecture turned confection. Do not tell me why you are bad for me. Waggle. Buzz. Make my whole body vibrate. There, there, little love, little bee. Feed me.

              Two million flowers
              make a pound of honey
              a riot of blossoms

If those who are being harmed refuse all collective language to describe those who are being harmed, those who harm will continue to harm. Collective language leads to being seen collectively. Being seen collectively leads to acting collectively. Acting collectively leads to change.

              Sand at the foot
              of the mountain forgets
              it was ever part mountain

Pill Fight

Because Thanksgiving somehow marks the start of the new year for me, I spent part of the day doing what people do as they move from the old year to the new one: creating a schedule for the thirty-three vitamins and supplements and five medications I take.

Half of what I take interacts with one or more of the other things I take, so putting this schedule together feels like getting a poetry manuscript in the right order. It’s also like doing calculus, which I vaguely remember. Math was always fun and games for me until the answer invariably came out wrong and I had to start all over.

I have diagrams with things that are crossed out, things I’ve moved multiple times, pictures I’ve drawn of pills fighting with each other, little swords in their little pill hands. My floor, covered in sticky notes, has been transformed into a pink-paper sea of faded, flattened blossoms, each a failed attempt to meet every substance’s needs without compromising any other substance’s needs or my needs, which is the whole point of this undertaking. I have to be careful about how and when and why I introduce new substances to the watery admixture that is me.

I have a bunch of tabs about chemical interactions open on my computer. I have a brand-new Trello board full of notes. I’m very close to writing a raggedy-edged poem ranting about pills and people in the style of Charles Bukowski.

The Trello board has a white-stucco background depicting stairs leading to a colonnade whose immersive columns rise all around me, or so it seems, like bleached bones. I chose the photo for all my boards related to my health. It makes me feel safe somehow, like I’m inside my own body, which is at once dead and also impenetrably strong. It’s almost like one of the liminal spaces in my dreams, but I never futz with pills in my dreams or boluses I empty under my tongue or sticky fluid made from other people’s plasma that I absorb under the skin through needles I jab into my upper arms. I’m too busy running in my dreams or flying or falling. Unless I’m in the grotto. I could stay in the grotto forever, and I will if we get to choose where we go next, once the pills stop working and the cathedral of the body collapses and someone burns me like a banned book, like a bra, or maybe like a flag.

Dissolving and Emerging

My severe hypothyroidism is taking a toll. For the past two weeks, gobs of hair have been falling out every day. I’ve been in bed since Friday. I need to have blood work done to see if the new dose of thyroid-replacement medication is improving things at all, but I didn’t have the energy to call the lab to schedule an appointment because the required opening up the cabinet where I put the lab paperwork, pulling it out of a stack of papers, finding the phone number, dialing the phone, and talking to someone. Too much. Also too much: doing my immunoglobulin infusions, the ones that keep me alive; preparing for the support group I’m facilitating that starts this week; hydrating; exercising; bathing; eating.

In this hypothyroid state, which has been creeping up on me since last fall, I’ve also been thinking a great deal about poetry and what I’m doing as a poet. A hypothyroid state isn’t the best one to be in when having these thoughts, but anyone who’s been hypothyroid knows these are the kinds of thoughts one has when hypothyroid.

Here’s my conclusion. Poetry is, at its worst, a discriminatory and harmful system. I’ve experienced discrimination and harm firsthand. But the system being what it is doesn’t make it one I can walk away from. I’m a poet. Being a poet isn’t something I chose or can unchoose. It’s a way of being.

When I was close to death in 2022, writing an imitation poem after Richard Siken is what brought me back to life and what allowed me to continue living. There was no question for me then that I was bound to poetry, to being a poet. It doesn’t matter that it was a Richard Siken poem. It could have been any poem, imitation or otherwise. I time-traveled in that poem. I found my way into and through time itself, not because I’m special or any given poet is special. What’s special is poems: who we are in them, who we aren’t, what we see, what’s beyond seeing. That dissolving when we need to dissolve. That emerging when we need to emerge. That liminal space between dissolving and emerging where we can live more expansively.

I came back to poetry. I can’t leave it again. I think my presence makes poetry better, not worse. I’ve written about what happened to me in poetry and beyond. I see issues at the systemic level and call attention to them. Because I’m older, I have a longer memory than a lot of poets do, which gives me insights others may not have. I make choices about where to send my work and who to associate with accordingly, which is necessary when poems enter the world of poetry, that less-than-optimal system that can and does do damage.

I’m neither a sycophant nor the poetry police. I call things like I see them. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad about the unexamined biases that exist in poetry or the ways in which they may be contributing to those biases or at least not helping alleviate them. I do think we should all pay more attention to the institutions and organizations we support, the people we defend, and how we talk about those who are exploited and otherwise victimized within the system. But I know I can’t change anyone or the system as a whole. I can only control how I navigate it and who I am within it.

I suspect things would be different if poets didn’t have jobs to worry about or tenure or getting published or securing money for their projects or any of the other pressures that keep the system humming along without much change over the past several decades. I’m not fettered by any of that. I just read and write poetry.

I still remember Carolyn Kizer telling a group of poets that another famous poet tried to rape her. It was at a dinner before a reading she was giving. I also remember how the other poets at the table responded, which was to react in a flustered way and quickly change the subject. That was nearly thirty years ago, when I was just starting to write poetry. But what happened to her occurred decades earlier.

Poetry has had systemic issues that affect individual poets for a long time. These issues didn’t start yesterday, and they won’t end tomorrow. That’s why I’m not going to stop writing poetry or talking about what I’ve experienced and seen in the poetry community. Carolyn Kizer was talking to me that day in 1997. She was warning me. I heard her. I try to hear everyone who speaks.

Dream Language

Dream language: Two who mirror can mirror each other, but when one moves behind the back of the other, the second loses their reflection and must recreate it from memory as vision. This is how we learn to worship the self as other when other always is and has been self.

Also from last night’s dreams: A retreat. Cloud decor giving way to wheat sculptures. A grotto. Hallways full of doors. My vision board torn down hastily as the retreat ended. A half-finished project detailing radio stations airing vulgarities that I wasn’t able to take with me. Retreat organizers grinding their words like spices as the life partner and I packed up. We’d overstayed our welcome. Cloud time was for us, not wheat time. They beamed at the incoming group while waving us away like flies. The landscape crew mumbled. They claimed they’d watered things they hadn’t watered. Nothing was real anyway. They’d seen it all before and would see it again. More incomers. More enameled hope, the ill-placed hope that keeps the nightmare alive. Our dog ran off. The organizers made us leave before we could find her.

Coerced Treatment

Matthew Yglesias today, on the heels of the July 24 executive order and its implementation in states like Utah: … there is a non-trivial population of chronically homeless people who suffer from addiction and other illnesses who probably should be coerced into treatment.

This is my red line, and it’s one of the areas in which I’m most in alignment with Mad In America: Coercive treatment isn’t treatment. It’s often abuse that takes myriad forms, and that abuse can happen even in something as short as a three-day hold. I know because it’s happened to me, but I’m not using inductive reasoning here. There’s data from studies and accounts from those with lived experience with mental-health issues that backs up my claims about forced treatment being harmful.

There’s also what I saw as a child in the psychiatric hospital where my mother worked as a nurse. And there’s my mother and the treatments that were forced on her and nearly killed her.

I’m not saying Matthew Yglesias is a terrible journalist or human being. I’m saying he doesn’t know what he’s saying. This is privilege at work, the privilege of not knowing and not having to know about these kinds of issues and experiences, which results in his slipping an incredibly dangerous statement into a longer piece about whether prisons have replaced mental hospitals. I’m not talking about the piece as a whole. I’m talking about that statement because it matters. He can’t even commit to it, as evidenced by that probably. Probably should. Probably should be. Probably should be coerced.

Yglesias probably. Probably should. Probably should be coerced away from privilege. Oh, wait. We would never coerce anyone in that way or in any way unless we don’t see them as fully human and therefore entitled to the same human rights as everyone else, would we? Link in comments.

Assertions

I came across a thread today from ten years ago. It’s about the poet who sexually assaulted me. I’d never seen the thread before or the assertions it contains. I want to be very clear about something: I never retracted or changed my story. The essay that was slated to run in VIDA did not run because another poet divulged the name of the poet who sexually assaulted me to one of the publication’s editors, and that compromised me as well as VIDA. The piece did not name or otherwise identify the poet in question, which was a requirement for the essays in that series.

I have since published that essay and made it publicly available. It took me ten years to do so after what happened. I’ll link to it in the comments.

The thread I saw sickens me even now, a decade later. I don’t have words to describe how atrocious it is. It reminds me why I left poetry in the first place. It wasn’t just because of the sexual assault. It was because of how poets, in particular women poets, responded to the situation.

The poetry community terrifies and horrifies me.

Apathy

Last year, I was talking to someone who told me one of their co-workers sexually assaulted their friend. I asked how she could keep working with that individual.

He didn’t do it to me, she replied.

I think about that interaction all the time, what it encapsulates, what it enables. Monsters are only monstrous when we remain silent, when we go along, when we allow them to continue doing what they’re doing.

It’s the apaths who will destroy this country more than the monsters themselves. Too many of us are apaths. Some of it stems from conditioning, from learned helplessness, and from systems that tell us to remain silent (like those in place here in Utah). I think those folks can change.

Some of it’s from emotional indifference and a lack of concern for others’ suffering. I’m not sure those folks can change. They tend to fall in line with whatever’s happening around them, which is why it’s important for those who lead to be ethical and compassionate.

In that same conversation last year, I explained why I was speaking up about an issue that was important to me. The woman suggested I not say anything at all.

Of course she did.

I didn’t listen. Of course I didn’t.