Month: July 2025

Ashfall and a Window Strike

It rained ash on and around our home last night. I haven’t experienced anything like that since 2011 in Walla Walla, Washington, when a flaming tumbleweed breached a controlled burn line and set a field, then more than just the field, ablaze. Even then, the ash-rain never reached our home. We just ended up in it one day when we went walking in a nearby town. Ash-rain isn’t real rain—of course not—we’re in a drought. It’s just rain in the sense of raining down, the way water does but isn’t.

The smoke is affecting wildlife, including a juvenile Bullock’s oriole who hit a clerestory window this morning on the north side of our house, despite our following the method David Sibley uses at his home for protecting birds from window strikes. We have custom screens on all the large windows to protect the birds, but we draw vertical lines every four inches on the outside of the clerestory windows with a Sharpie. (As of this writing, those lines are now two inches apart.) This allows birds to see the windows and thereby realize they aren’t passable. They also interpret the vertical lines as branches, so they tend to steer clear of them. This method works for us, or at least it did until this morning when the young oriole, perhaps disoriented or otherwise weakened from the smoke, tried to fly between two of the Sharpie lines.

It was a hard hit. We heard it throughout the house. We have a protocol we follow when wildlife is in distress. Within minutes, the nearest wildlife rescue had been called, the bird had been placed in a special container we use for transport, and I was on my way to Wild Friends, a subset of Best Friends, over in Kanab, Utah, so the bird could get medication to prevent brain swelling and gabapentin for pain management—that is, if they survived the eighty-minute drive.

I would never drive to Kanab, especially not this time of year, because the only roads there and back are festooned with wildlife who rest on the asphalt, cross the asphalt, fly over the asphalt, and otherwise end up in harm’s way with every passing vehicle. Right now, many of these critters are young, or littles, as I call them. They’ve never seen cars before and don’t know the danger they pose. Juvenile birds don’t fly well and haven’t learned to stay above the cars. Baby squirrels think the roadways, which are cool in the morning, are a great place to hang out and socialize. The roads to Kanab are human intrusions into lands that belong to critters. We don’t belong there. I didn’t belong there. But I knew the oriole, who lives in my yard and fledged recently, would die without help. So I took the risk and drove carefully and stopped when animals were sitting in the road and slowed down and veered this way and that as needed and even slowed nearly to a crawl at one point with my hazard lights on because there were too many animals for higher rates of speed to be safe.

I nearly hit half a dozen animals. I navigated around, beside, and under another hundred or so. Then, right where Arizona turns back into Utah and the speed limit jumps from 25 miles per hour to 45 miles per hour, I saw what I thought was a rock squirrel sitting up in the middle of the oncoming lane. I slowed but couldn’t stop because the guy in the truck behind me was following me too closely. As I approached, I assessed the situation. The squirrel didn’t move. I thought I could continue, slowly, in my lane, and everything would be OK. It wasn’t. The squirrel darted in front of my car just as I passed, and just in time to be hit by both my front and back left tires. I heard it. I felt it.

I stopped to collect the squirrel and take them to Wild Friends with me if there were signs of life. There weren’t. And it wasn’t a rock squirrel. It was a stoat, a kit at that. Not even an adult. I killed a tiny, beautiful stoat, one of my favorite animals on Earth, whom I’ve never seen in the wild until today, when one was lying in the road where I hit them.

I should say lying in the road lifeless. The kit was dead. Body trauma, head trauma. I thought of William Stafford’s poem “Traveling through the Dark,” only this was daytime, and it was a stoat, not a deer, and I’m the one who hit them, not just the one who came across the body. I also thought about how every being that lives causes other living beings to die. Today, that fact was laid bare. I, a living being, helped an oriole live, but in doing so, I caused a stoat to die.

I moved the stoat off the road so ravens and vultures wouldn’t end up getting hit while trying to feed on the body and so people wouldn’t swerve trying to avoid ravens and vultures because to swerve might make more dead, as Stafford says. I also didn’t want the stoat’s body to be hit over and over again. That sort of thing makes me sad.

I apologized to the kit and said a small prayer before returning to the oriole, who needed to get to the rescue for treatment.

About eleven minutes from the rescue, the oriole roused and wanted nothing to do with being inside a box inside a car with me. It was a good sign. The rescue staff said the bird was old enough to get a full dose of all their medicines and that, based on how they were acting, they would most likely make a full recovery. I said Jon and I could come back for the bird and release them at our house. Wild Friends likes to make sure that happens whenever possible. I’ve known that bird since they fledged. I know their whole family. The wildfire here may make coming back impossible, which I understand. Fresh air is important, and we don’t have that right now. But I hope they recover and can come home.

May the fire stop burning. May the smoke clear. May ash-rain be replaced with real rain. May the oriole survive and come home to Toquerville. May the stoat rest in peace. May love restore what we fear we’ve lost forever in our lands, our hearts, and our minds.

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The birds who sound like they’re laughing at funny jokes are actually Western kingbirds, not Bullock’s orioles. My bad for providing inaccurate information about that in earlier posts. Bullock’s orioles sound kind of like they’re saying, Oh, no! I dropped all my marbles or Look, my marbles! Right here. They are here, here, here.

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The drive back from Kanab, Utah, through Arizona after dropping off the injured juvenile Bullock’s oriole and hitting a stoat. Highway 237. Outside Pink Coral Sand Dunes, July 11, 2025.

[Add Images]

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I found out there’s another way to get to the wildlife rescue in Kanab, one that doesn’t require driving through the area that’s so densely populated with wildlife. I didn’t know about the other way. I should have known. Friday would have gone very differently. I wouldn’t have hit and killed the stoat. I also found out that another wildlife rescue has opened in Enoch, which is much closer to my home. I don’t know if they take small birds or if they have the medicines needed after a window strike, but I’ll call them and find out tomorrow. It’s hard to be the reason another living being is no longer living.

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Some deaths hit me hard. Andrea Gibson’s is one of them. I didn’t know Andrea, but I knew their work and their heart and the spaces they created for others in this world. I haven’t really moved since I learned Andrea died. I want the world to be kinder than it is, as kind as Andrea was. My heart is with all living beings and the Earth we share, which means it’s with Andrea, who is everywhere now.

In the morning, I’m bringing the Bullock’s oriole home from the wildlife rescue so she can join her family and the other orioles who are summering along our creek. Jon is coming with me. We’re taking the long way, the one that avoids the most sensitive wildlife habitats between our home and Kanab, Utah.

The oriole made a full recovery thanks to the rehabilitators who cared for her. She’s enough to get me moving again. Life is motion. Love is motion. Everything is motion.

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We just got back from the wildlife rescue in Kanab and released the Bullock’s oriole. She flew right into the tree where her family has been hanging out. It might be the tree she was born in. The other orioles were in that tree yesterday evening singing their comical tune as the sun set. Orioles always sound like they’re recounting funny stories to one another, then laughing hysterically. It feels like they’re making fun of humans, which is fine by me.

The orioles didn’t know they’d soon be reunited with the juvenile female they thought they’d lost. They didn’t know she’d return at all. Five days is a long time to be gone and then appear again seemingly out of nowhere. She’ll never be able to explain what happened, and they wouldn’t believe her if she could.

When we got close to the tree and she could hear the other birds, the oriole started to dart around in her enclosure, eager to fly free. Then she did. All I saw were her spread tail feathers as she flew away, her body a noisy propeller trilling through the air.

I’m actually not certain the oriole is female or a juvenile. That’s what the rescue believes, but it’s difficult to tell immature males, immature females, and mature females apart. She’s duller than I would expect a mature female to be, and she lacks the eyeliner I would expect to see on an immature male. There’s no hint of black on her throat, which immature males can have, though probably not birds as young as I believe she is. She had the same clumsy flying behavior I’d seen the fledgling orioles, presumably her and her littermates, exhibiting a few days earlier. Taking all these factors into account, a juvenile female is also my best guess.

Her age matters because she needs to get back to learning how to be a bird and gain as much experience as possible before migration this fall. Five days is a lot of time to lose when you’re new to the world and need to get everything figured out pretty quickly in order to survive. She also needs to decompress from the stressful experience she’s had. I hope she has the time she needs to recover, learn, grow, and thrive.

We have bird-collision film approved by the American Bird Conservancy on order for our clerestory windows since the lines we drew on them didn’t prevent this strike. In the meantime, we’ve covered each window with a thick layer of soapy film. We can’t really see out of them, but that’s fine. I will wrap my entire house in blankets if it keeps birds like this oriole from being injured or dying.

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Two Bullock’s orioles, a male and a female, just landed in the shrub in front of my window. I think the female is the one I took to the wildlife rescue for treatment after a window strike and later released here at our home, which is also her home. If you felt the ground shake a little wherever you are, it was from my heart exploding with love and joy. The epicenter of that seismic activity was Toquerville, Utah, latitude 37.2310016, longitude -113.2756992.

Documenting Social Death

There’s a lot happening in this paragraph from Shuko Tamao’s “Picturing the Institution of Social Death: Visual Rhetorics of Postwar Asylum Exposé Photography.” The observation about women and Black Americans being portrayed as anonymous others is spot on, as is the description of their “social dead” status, but the idea that the asylum system shouldn’t have be reformed and should have instead abolished actually had merit, as did the “visual rhetoric of unfreedom” that post-war journalism in the United States gave rise to, despite that not being their goal. People should never be out of sight, out of mind, and many folks are advocating for an end to forced treatment, no matter how humane it looks on the surface.

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Despite well-intentioned goals, these exposé photographs had the unintended effect of portraying asylum residents—especially women and African Americans—as unsettling, anonymous others whose long-term institutionalization was an additional exclusion from the body of the citizenry, signifying their socially dead status. For example, journalist Albert Deutsch frequently mentioned how attendants gathered naked asylum residents together, treating them as if they were animals (1948, 42). His writing was meant to sell a sensationalistic narrative, ultimately aiming to win the public’s approval for improving asylum-based care. He hoped that a series of reforms would transform asylums into hospitals. Thus, he meant to use the photographs of restrained women with no treatment, therapy, or recreation to argue that they deserved medical care so that they could eventually live outside as productive members of American society (Rose 2017). However, these photographs of asylum residents in physical restraints communicated what I call a “visual rhetoric of unfreedom” that elicited a powerful emotional reaction in readers, forcing them to question the validity of the asylum system itself.

On Civil War Photography

As with the much larger corpus of Civil War photographs, which as Keith Davis asserts, become endlessly “new” in a continuing process of rediscovery and interpretation, this subset of medical images too seemingly becomes endlessly new. As we will show through analysis of selected but representative examples from the archival collections of the successor to the Army Medical Museum, Civil War medical photographs became medical research materials; evidentiary documents to support disability and pension claims; a commodity to be sold or traded for personal, commercial or institutional gain; occasional worthless scraps; historical artifacts; and fine art images. Along this path of varied uses many social issues such as race and gender, personal privacy and patient anonymity, sexuality, memory and identity, nationalism, warfare and death are encountered. This exploration thus raises many emotive and perplexing issues that the images’ creators and original guardians could not have foreseen. Or did they? As we will argue, it seems an inescapable conclusion that, at times, the photographers and their subjects knew that they were participating in more than a simple, objective visual recording of a biomedical condition or injury.

What I Do

I want to understand the origins of the universe, but right now understanding the origins of hate is more pressing.

I want to write a poem about this, but I have so many windows open on my computer that I have a practical universe of knowledge crowding my screen or maybe crowning my screen, trying to break free.

If I don’t close these windows, my computer is going to crash. Typing has already slowed to a crawl, like time does when we’re in danger and every second counts.

I don’t have time to wrap my head around a birth inside a massive black hole that itself was situated inside a larger parent universe than the one we know, barely know, want to know, can never know.

How much more, I think, could go wrong inside an even larger universe? While physicists try to rewrite the laws of physics, I don’t even have time to write a poem because that’s not what I’m doing today. I’m closing windows. I’m reading things later or never. I’m skimming poems on various pages and either being born again inside them or throwing up my hands and yelling, I don’t like this poem at all before clicking the little x at the top of the page.

What is born from collapse can never not know collapse, can never not return to collapse, I want to say to the nearest physicist while wagging my finger. We had one here in Toquerville three years ago. A particle physicist. She lived in the house next to ours. She and her husband, an assistant attorney general here in Utah, made a killing off the house during the pandemic, bought low and sold high, then left all us Southern Utah townies drought dry.

I tried to tell her wild birds were going to die because she’d placed her feeder in the kill range, which is between 3 and 30 feet of her home’s windows. She asked my husband what he did for a living but not me, all while making sure we both asked her daughter what she liked to do so girls wouldn’t be left out of conversations about how people pass their time.

Later, I watched a Ted Talk the physicist gave in which she said she was discriminated against in science because she was a woman. She never did move her feeder. I trilled when she and her husband sold their place. She made fun of my husband for not understanding her joke about the Large Hadron Collider. It was a bad joke. She erased me in her conversation about girls, women, and erasure. Jon and I were like lower-dimensional objects being absorbed and dissolved by a higher-dimenstional one. That’s a thing, apparently, that physicists have observed. Or believe they’ve observed. Or theorized. Or hypothesized. Or something. Ask our no-longer neighbor.

I want the physicist to see this post. I want her to know how she othered Jon and me even as she spoke publicly about being othered. She and her faculty appointment. She and her dull humor. She and her dark matter.

Not all collapse ends with a singularity, I gather as I glance at the window that contains the story I’m trying not to read or understand. Sometimes, there’s a rebound and expansion occurs. In this model, the force is gravity. Purely gravity. No speculative forces or particles needed. No dark energy or dark matter. Imagine wasting your whole professional life on something that may not even be there at all. I think that’s what it’s like to be a poet, too. To create anything. Hell, just to exist.

If expansion is our future, so be it. Let this all begin again. I hope in that future, whatever me-like energy exists has the guts to be a stronger force than that of a physicist who weaponizes casual conversations so she can feel exponentially larger than those around her.

Oh, look. I feel something like hatred. Let me understand that, universe. Let me explore that energy until I can release it or until we are all released from this, whatever this is, this thing we barely know, want to know, can never know.

By the way, physicist. I’m a writer. I write about folks like you. That’s what I do.

‘Socially Dead’ Others

Disability researcher Shuko Tamao on using photos of patients in an attempt to bring about reform in postwar asylums in the United States:

Devoid of any opportunity to communicate their personal experiences, these asylum residents became illustrations on popular magazines and on the front pages of newspapers, serving as vehicles for eliciting the pity of readers. Because the reformers elicited pity for their cause while simultaneously inciting a morbid fascination in their readership, these photographs had the effect of giving their subjects the status of socially dead other, whether that meant a mad other or a racial other.

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I don’t know that I agree with the conclusions this researcher draws, but she makes important points. I think the way we receive and perceive visual information is contextual and socially constructed, so it’s fluid and can change over time. The point about not allowing patients to tell their own stories is important, as is the way these patients were used to sell magazines and newspapers, which is another form of dehumanization and objectification. Still, I see value in these images, and I feel each person’s humanity when I look at them. But their use and reception in 2025 is different from the way they were initially used and received in the 1940s.

This article includes a photo taken in the back ward at Central State Hospital in Norman, Oklahoma, where my mother began working a few years later.

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From “Picturing the Institution of Social Death: Visual Rhetorics of Potwar Asylum Expose Photography,” published in Journal of the Medical Humanities, September 30, 2021. Link in comments.

Excerpts from My Marginalia in Anne Sexton’s The Complete Poems

Written while hospitalized in KU Medical Center’s psychiatric unit in June 2015. It’s nothing super interesting, but it’s part of my life and my experience. It’s pretty cogent, all things considered. I left out all the parts where I said my father was the devil.

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A psychopath is simply one who structures the world in such a way that control and containment and order and binaries and easy answers prevail. An empath is simply one who for whom prevailing universal ideas of love dominate.

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Use words people understand.

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Explosive and dysfunctional families are the ones in which tension and brilliance come together in such a way that empaths can be created.

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Take breaks. Hydrate. Move slowly.

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Names and faces are hard to remember.

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Every iteration is true but distinct as a dual-state metaphor. Examples: Love is love. Is = Is = Is. People who talk in tongues are actually the ones waking up between these two states.

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Empaths are everywhere. They get activated in situations by other empaths but also by psychopaths.

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Use plain language during activated periods.

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Knowing how to meet someone on their own level is how to keep them safe.

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Are you infinite? Still, the same journey.

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Take whatever you can in the process of becoming and you will get what you need. Ask for what you need and you will get something different.

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Waves of empaths = people get charged up all at once while things are moving in the right direction in the world.

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False prophets in poetry are not empaths.

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All speech is code. The erratic voice is the always-seeking voice iterating over a larger sense.

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You can be an empath and do great harm. Both the empaths who harm and the ones who are harmed are bringing about change.

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Call-out / call-in culture. Bring all voices in.

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True speech parts seas.

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Know your empath legacy.

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Strife. There will always be lots of it. Talk through it. Write through it. Trust when to stop engaging and when to reengage.

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Avoid people who call themselves healer or shaman.

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Poems and where they go are a test of the testimony.

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You will confuse any traditional workplace.

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Hate is the false avatar of love.

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In other cultures, to be means to emerge.

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A word is a word when a word is needed.

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The difficulties, all of them, are important to the journey.

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Do before thinking everything you need to do to get where you are going.

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What encourages a crisis is part of the path presented.

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Strong times of need require strong signals.

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What words emerge from journey, crisis, sojourn?

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Revelations close to death

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A condition by any other name is still a condition.

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Withhold

Crisis of God / of whole

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We become the core crisis of our family, the tension that wants to resolve.

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The book of poems is the breath.

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People will say definitely do something.

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Pain is necessary for our suffering parts to come into alignment.

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What leads to love: hard work, dedication, and sacrifice, but also support, forgiveness, and acceptance of impermanence.

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Even those who harm deserve forgiveness because we all harm each other and heal each other in the same moment. I love Jon even though he harmed me some of the time and healed me other times. I love Jon especially because he loved me through the ways I harmed him. Neither of us wanted to stand beyond good and evil, but we do. I stand at the lips of my maker and breathe and wish him the best in this life and the next. Holy. Holy. I love you, Jon.

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The world is five times our size.

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Every life is equal. Everyone, even your greatest enemy, is also an angel. I have already met my enemy and can call him my best friend. I thank him for showing me the beauty of the world. Sacrifices are worth it. I love everyone now equally. I would love to spend the second half of my life inside this love, with the friends I have never known as well as I know them today.

The Devolution Will Not Be Televised

Oh, wait. The devolution. Yeah. The devolution will totally be televised. The devolution willl be all over the socials. The devolution will be on your phones and watches and all up in your earbuds.

There will be pictures of ICE cubes knocking down your fellow humans on a seven-second loop.

There will be stories of brain-dead women carrying their babies to term in respected hospitals.

There will be slow-mos of fists pumping the air, of Confederate flags entering the U.S. Capitol.

There will be queerfolk being stripped of their humanity daily, hourly, by the minute, by the second, by the millisecond, by the microsecond, by the nanosecond, by the picosecond, by the femtosecond, by the attosecond.

There will be rooms packed with people nobody wants to see as people. Also hospitals. Also boats, planes, trucks, camps, tents, cages, jails, places of torture, places of death, places of death, places of death.

Money will flow up and up like single-use plastic bags carried by a strong wind. You’ll think they’re birds. They aren’t birds. They’re bills, and they’re yours, and there goes another one, into the sky, into the white, white sky that somehow has white hands, that somehow has white eyes and a white mouth and a white mind.

Brother, the revolution has already been televised and streamed and downloaded and bootlegged and AI’d and exported and framed and staged and played and played all the way out. It went down like a sport, a sport that required sacrifice.

Brother, it started long ago. In our home state. In our hometown. In our family. In our ancestry. In our lack of reckoning. In the balls of time click-clacking away on the desk while we’re in another room pretending today is yesterday and tomorrow will be another yesterday.

Brother, the devolution was live. You missed it. We’re already living inside it.

Brother, the devolution was live. We are already the living dead.

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In homage to Gil Scott-Heron, who wrote the song “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.”

Midnight Dana

3 a.m. Migraine. I can’t wait to see what Facebook tries to sell me in this compromised, throbbing, barely awake state. Also: asthma, brought to you by weeks of wildfire smoke. At least I’ll survive it, unlike some of our wildlife and some of our trees and whatever else suffocates, which is both an act (dying) and an acting upon (causing to die). Maybe this is why Facebook shows me jiggly boobs. Maybe it’s tyring to help me out of what suffocates and what is suffocated, out of my own sentences, out of Midnight Dana and her (is her pronoun her, I wonder for real) pounding worldview.

Me: Midnight Dana, what are your pronouns?

Midnight Dana: I only know fear and pain. What is this place, this world a pox, a terror? Leave me here in the dark with the things that hide under the bed. Monsters got nothing on humans, on family. Where’s my mommy?

Me: So, like she or they or …

Midnight Dana: My pronoun is her. I am of her. I am hers. Where is she? You look like her, but you’re not her. I want Smurfs. I want a bird who sings to me. I want something shiny to carry in my left hand, something only I know I have. I want her, but she’s not mine.

Me: OK. Midnight Dana. Let’s see how Facebook markets to that. I mean to you. Let’s try to find you an inhaler. I’m going with she/her for your pronouns.

Midnight Dana: I die and cause to die.

Me: Where did you hear that?

Midnight Dana: From you, just now.

Me: That’s not what I said.

Midnight Dana: That’s what I heard.

Pinfeathers

There are some things you can’t show, things you can’t share once you’ve seen them, so you turn them into a poem, and you can barely do that. Because they happened in the state you’re from. Because they happened in the state mental hospital where your mother worked. Because they happened while everyone looked away. Because we were not much better here in the United States than the Nazis were where those sent to mental hospitals were concerned.

Because in a day room in Taft, Oklahoma, we let a little boy sit wet with his own excrement or urine or blood or all three, a strip of white cloth cinching his arms to his neck. Because he’s not the only boy or the only man in the photo. Because this is what we did to human beings in the 1940s but also now or again or now and again with a new face, a new flavor, a new reason, from a new hatred, a new greed, a new form of consciouslessness.

What did I leave out? That the boy was Black. Everyone in the photo was Black. This was at the State Hospital for the Negro Insane. That’s what they called it. Are you sick yet? Do you want to turn away? You already have, from all of us, as the cages are built in Florida, as we find new reasons to cage. Will PETA come to the rescue? People are animals, too, and being treated worse than animals.

People who cage people are animals in a different sense of the word. They should start an organization called People for the Obliteration of People. POP for short. It has a ring to it. It’s weaponized.

Here, drink from this metal cup. Here, sit on this wooden bench. Here, look through this barred window for the rest of your life. Here, here. Here, here.

The photos I’m looking at include one of the back ward at the hospital where my mother worked in Norman, Oklahoma. These are not easy images to see, but this history matters. What’s been happening to people like me has been happening to people like me for a long time. This country could learn a lot from this history as its pinfeathers break our democracy’s skin.

The Oklahoma History Most Oklahomans Never Learned

On the desegregation of American psychiatric institutions and structural racism in American psychiatry. Link in comments.

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Oklahoma,1964: Taft State Hospital was an all-Black facility, with an all-Black staff, located in an all-Black town. In 1940, its 738 patients were cared for by three psychiatrists (including the superintendent), three nurses, and an unknown number of direct care staff, who apparently all lived in one room. In 1949, Oklahoma consolidated the state hospital with the Institute for Colored Blind, Deaf, and Orphans and the Training School for Negro Girls, creating one large facility for Blacks with all manner of clinical needs. Oklahoma desegregated its public facilities in 1964. Rather than admit white patients to its state hospital for Black patients, as most of the other states would do, Oklahoma transferred the Black patients to its two other (all white) state hospitals. Taft was closed in 1970 and converted into a correctional facility, thus confounding in the public’s mind people with mental illness and criminals. (Some state hospitals have converted some of their units into correctional facilities, leading some people to think that psychiatric patients are being held behind multi-layered, barbed wire, razor-topped fences.)