Marriage —

A game of rock, paper, scissors where both parties keep choosing rock.

Marriage —

Partner 1: The bird flies near me.

Partner 2: The bird flies through me.

Marriage —

In the living room, my husband antagonizes me with a teddy bear hand puppet before running around in circles singing “Brown Sugar.”

Marriage —

My husband chases me through the house after realizing I’ve covertly filmed him running around in circles singing “Brown Sugar” while wearing a teddy bear hand puppet. He makes me promise I’ll never show it to anyone. I agree, knowing the power lies not in sharing the video but rather in having the video.

Marriage —

My husband and I agree that we really need to get out of the house. Seven hours later, we still haven’t made it out of the house. Things are not looking promising for the next seven hours, either.

Marriage —

Partner 1: I’m agreeing with you.

Partner 2: No, I’m agreeing with you.

Partner 1: No, I’m agreeing with you.

Partner 2: No, I’m agreeing with you.

Partner 1: No, I’m agreeing with you.

Partner 2: No, I’m agreeing with you.

Marriage —

My husband is using a flashlight to navigate his way through our house because it’s so dark in here. It’s 4 p.m.

Marriage —

My husband has placed the flashlight in his mouth. His cheeks are glowing red. He says the light is illuminating the vitreous gel inside his eyes.

Marriage —

My husband always eats half a banana and leaves the other half to die a slow, awkward death on the kitchen counter.

Marriage —

There’s a laundry standoff, and we’re both out of underwear.

Marriage —

I thought I’d discovered a new life form growing out of the sofa, then I realized it was just my husband taking a nap with his head wedged between two seat cushions.

Marriage —

Partner 2: Will you empty the dishwasher?

Partner 1: The dishes need to cool off.

Partner 2: How long will that take?

Partner 1: At least several days.

Marriage —

Partner 2: You can’t kiss me right now.

Partner 1: Why not?

Partner 2: I just put on lip gloss, and I don’t want it to get messed up.

Partner 1: Can I kiss you later?

Partner 2: We’ll see.