Marriage —

Partner 1: I made soup.

Partner 2: Oh, great!

Partner 1: I made soup for myself.

Marriage —

Partner 2: I need you to do _______ and _______ and _______ and _______ and _______.

Partner 1: (In robot voice) Too many inputs. Overload. Must shut down.

Marriage —

Partner 1: Where did all the candy go?

Marriage —

Partner 2: I wish you talked to me the way you talk to Google Glass.

Partner 1: You want me to give you voice commands?

Marriage —

Partner 2: Take me out to dinner.

Partner 1: Shut up.

Marriage —

Partner 1: I made this five-course meal for you.

Partner 2: It’s five kinds of raw, chopped vegetables.

If my husband and I ever renew our wedding vows, this will be what I say to him:

I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart, I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat. ― Jorge Luis Borges

Marriage ―

I remind my husband to call his father. He knows why he needs to do so. The day wears on. My husband forgets, or he lets himself forget. The last thing my father-in-law said to my husband was, I am so lonely. So lonely without her.

Marriage ―

My husband waits until he’s two hours late to call and let me know he’s running late.

Marriage ―

My husband accidentally calls me by our dog’s name several times a day.

Marriage —

Partner 1: Are you really eating that for breakfast? Cake and soda?

Partner 2: Yes.

Marriage —

The Thorntons and the Martins have very different ways of dealing with adversity. The Martins are, as their name implies, wispy as little birds tossed on difficulty’s winds. The Thorntons, also true to their name, shoot a ton of thorns when challenged. (Thornton is my mother’s maiden name. It’s where I get my sting.)

Marriage —

Partner 1: When someone closes a door, turn around and walk away.

Partner 2: When someone closes a door, break down the entire wall.