Sewage Creek

I came home to a downy woodpecker, a chipmunk, and a baby bunny. They were all in the yard together.

Walking leaf, you don’t look like the trees in these parts.

Praying mantis, I see you’ve come to my window again tonight.

I was offered a gondola ride on sewage creek. I said no.

Weeds teach me about the wind.

Daylily, how many fragile ribs guard your seeds?

Fall: Leaves flutter in our sentences.

Rain has turned the sweetgum bark tobacco brown.

My friend is standing in a field painting animals.

That perfect time in the garden when everything is dying but nothing is dead.

Lawn moths are the angels of this abandoned prayer labyrinth.

At the old golf course, two kestrels hunt for grasshoppers.

October: The old crabapple’s leaves are dipped in red wine.

Little blue heron, the lake has made a shimmering replica of you.

Night: We move toads off the road so they won’t get run over.

Beneath the harvest moon, the syncopated call of a great horned owl.

In their appliquéd ballgowns, late-blooming azaleas wait for suitors who never arrive.

Pollinators

Atop his favorite granite stone, my dearest chipmunk surveys his territory. There’s time to take it all in before the rain falls.

The rain is loosening the leaves from my red maple. What will I shed today?

I’m a fool like all the others: I follow the light.

Mine is also a life of enchantment.

Together, we are a different organism.

We stand looking at this root, and this root is fire.

And within my body, / another body … sings; there is no other body, / it sings, / there is no other world — Jane Hirshfield

The squirrel who has been nursing eats an acorn on my hammock.

A chipmunk uses railroad ties as a superhighway.

A shower of acorns. Look up! Two squirrels roughhouse in the old oak tree.

I am not alone. The cricket is here. The praying mantis is here. The chipmunk. The woodpecker. Two hummingbirds. And more. And more.

Moths are pollinators, too.

Someday, I will learn how to live. Until then, I will learn about life from the plants and animals in my backyard.

Did you know plants have memories? They learn how to not be afraid. They retain that information. If the Mimosa pudica can do it, so can I.

Mimosa pudica is also known as the sensitive plant, the shy plant, the touch-me-not plant. We could learn a lot from each other.

I saw the hawk flying low today, then high, a shadow traversing my neighbor’s roof.

Moon-Suns

The air is screaming, Hawk! Hawk! Hawk!

Hay bales settle into the shorn field.

I’ve been lost in a world of tiny mushrooms and painted lady butterflies.

Stained glass insect. Little windows in the air.

I want words to be smaller. I want to see the sky.

There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun. — Thomas Merton

The sun, obscured by the moon, took on the shape of a moon. A confetti of moon-suns fell at my feet.

I will remember what I heard more than what I saw: hundreds of cicadas flexing their tymbals in the false-dark day.

And the one dying at my feet as we entered near totality.

I will remember silent streets and still air, charcoaled sky, the amber of streetlights.

I will remember any or all of this. Or none of it.

That old question surfaced: What matters?

I still don’t know. But here I am, with eyes.

how you can look back / on a life & see only salt there — Sam Sax

Who am I without the barn swallows?

Tack Coat

The tack coat of dawn gives way to the scumble of morning.

Dawn. Hot pink rubbed over midnight blue. Sudden lightning. My dog in my arms, trembling.

A rabbit appears out of nowhere like a lost thought. I think of an old friend.

Some folks decorate their porches but never sit on them.

Little man down there putting away your grill, come out of your garage and look up.

Some people kill birds. Others put out bird feeders.

Tonight’s sunset turned the sky into a cauldron. Below, a thrasher the color of depleted soil foraged quietly beneath a sapling.

Birds define the air.

How do you see the air without the bird? Assume there are no trees.

The cowbells follow one another / Into the distances of the afternoon. — James Wright

In the sky, a great heron goes unnoticed by lovers on a picnic.

A tender young boy watches a pair of red-winged blackbirds as his friends taunt him.

A scissor-tailed flycatcher perches on a stop sign until I get too close with my camera.

The verses are in the land, in the trees before they became paper, in our hearts before they were rewritten by language.

I used to think to be not alone meant / never having to walk through the high wheat / or struggle in the water. — Allison Seay

I just saw a man texting while driving a tractor down a major thoroughfare.

I might be getting too involved with the animals who live in my yard.

Nobler Animals

The bird you can hear is the one who has the sweetest song.

Earlier, I saw a heron flying and thought it was a ship slicing the air.

American goldfinch, drop of sun.

The birds give voice to the trees.

Two ravens ink the air.

How small the bird. How vast the sky.

After the rain, a house finch bathes in a pothole.

The sky lives through the birds.

Wet swallow, who destroyed your nest on this stormy day?

Swallows, turn my home into your nest. I am only here with your permission.

The barn swallow’s body is a sunset within the sunset.

Neighbor, how can you walk with your head down on this beautiful night?

One swallow, it seems, is having more fun in the air than all the rest.

Sweet robin, I didn’t see you there. But I heard your song.

I’ve had nobler animals in my life than humans.

Starling, that’s a window, not a way through.

When you clear the land, you must confront the sky.

Landscapers, what have you come to destroy?

Ini K’ani

I spent part of the afternoon with a downy woodpecker.

I had a dream about two secret words. I held their names on my lips when I woke, but a waking word entered my mouth and I lost the secret words. They meant, During wars, the only ones left in this small town are the unemployed, and they sounded a little bit like okey-dokey.

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There is a seam in the sky where a backgrounded opacity meets a foregrounded opacity. We have been painted in.

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The female cardinal is neon in this light.

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I caught my dream words this morning before they leapt from my tongue: I am hunting words through an increasingly gentle forest that opens onto a faceless marsh of mallow. Stop, please. Language, stop me. Stop until words make me hungry again. Then I’ll eat them like durian, treaded skins and all.

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Every day I live with this illness is a day for me to take stock. That is how my illness is the gift I never fathomed it could be.

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This season, I have a favorite chipmunk. I should love them all equally, but only one is my darling.

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My words from three dreams ago swam back to me last night, the ones I lost on waking but that reminded me of okey-dokey. The words are “ini k’ani.” I looked them up, and both are Asomtavruli letters used to write in the Georgian language. Ini is the equivalent of an English short “i,” as in “hit.” K’ani is the equivalent of an English “k,” but glottalized. Who knows why I would dream these sounds at all, let alone on two different nights.

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Musical instruments have humble bodies, yet their voices are bold.

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When did the poetry community become a bare knuckle boxing ring?

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Visions are what happens when the mind is ever so slightly batted away from its cultural trappings, when certain centers flash that are typically dull and systematically made duller by the very culture that produces and sustains it. But the visions are still steeped in the culture in which the mind lives. They are not free from it, though traces of free thought can be made out, like the echo of a long overgrown trail within dense forest. As a friend says, visions are “trances and traces.”

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Tra(n)ces.

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Living and dying are not two things. They are one thing. They sit side by side, as intimate as young lovers.

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Moments after the samara wheels to earth, it stands upright, like a ballerina doing a revelé, poised to tunnel the soil with its gaunt root.

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Death is kneeing life in the groin today.

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Sentences make words feel like they have friends.

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My darling chipmunk is staring into a puddle as if it were a reflecting pool.

Facebook posts from March 26–April 21, 2015

A Barn Left to the Field

 

Some people spend their whole lives polishing a lump of coal, convinced they’ve gotten hold of a diamond.

The whole point of living in Kansas is to be lost in the world and to lose the world.

There is definitely more to life than poetry acceptances. For instance, there’s poetry.

Sometimes there’s not much bridge left to burn. Better to let the elements deal with what remains.

When you continue to speak despite the fact that nobody is listening, you must be saying something that is either of no importance or of grave importance.

I am not the world’s ornamentation.

Maxine Kumin says Anne Sexton lived a year longer than she would have otherwise because a priest told her something that kept her going: God is in your typewriter.

The first bird of spring has emerged, but it does not sing. It screams.

I have work to do. I can’t be bothered by small fish who want to rub against my ankles to irritate me or to pleasure themselves.

The buds on the trees are a form of pointillism.

I think I’ll change my first name to an open parenthesis and my last name to a closed parenthesis. My middle name will be empty space.

My body is like a barn left to the field.

If I were an animal, I would crawl off to die on days when my body feels like this. Then I would start to feel better and come crawling toward you. I would be the one with detritus hitching a ride on my flanks. Everything wants to make its way back to the living, even rubble and scraps.

I filled Easter eggs with lines from my favorite poems and hid them at my alma mater with the help of a dear friend. I did this because poetry is action and poetry is love.

Facebook posts from March 25–April 5, 2015.

The Little Garden of Happiness

I’ve, I’ve got a bone / to pick and a crow to pluck. / I’ve got my tail tucked, wound / to lick. I prefer not to talk. / I said, I prefer not to talk. — Andrea Henchey

“At least he didn’t rape me.” That is the kind of logic many survivors of rape and child sexual abuse employ when someone revictimizes them in ways that fall short of outright rape. “At least he only did x and not y” is our way of creating a sense of empowerment and protection in the moment and not allowing the person who has hurt us to strip us of who we are. We feel that as long as it could have been worse, we can still move forward. We can become whole again, or at least we can live with the hope of becoming whole.

I am committed to the fight, not to the spats.

A poet I’ve known for years said her abuse is buried so deep she can’t imagine touching it. I don’t want to live like that, with a splinter that’s made its way to my heart. My voice keeps the splinter from going deeper.

This is not the time for easy conversations.

He who directs his passion upon causes … deprives his passion for people … of much of its fire. — Friedrich Nietzsche

One man’s morality is higher compared with another’s often only because its goals are quantitatively greater. The latter is drawn down by his narrowly bounded occupation with the petty. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Conversation is the only route to understanding and even then, who knows.

Close beside the woe of the world, and often upon its volcanic soil, man has laid out his little garden of happiness. — Friedrich Nietzsche

To be conscious is not to be in time / But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden, / The moment in the arbour where the rain beat, / The moment in the draughty church at smokefall / Be remembered; involved with past and future. / Only through time is time conquered — T.S. Eliot

Before language, my body was a verb.

You’re not a citizen of language or memory, / but I am. — Kathleen Flenniken

Art makes the sight of life bearable by laying over it the veil of unclear thinking. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Maybe a poet friends us on Facebook because they want to market their latest collection, or because their friend’s friend friended us. We might not even be acquainted with anyone beyond that first-level friend, the rest being nothing more than piggy-backed apparent connections which spread out and out from that one person. In this case, a true network is not forming. Instead we are seeing a proliferation of non-networks—collections of strangers that have the appearance of connectivity. And those strangers now have unprecedented access to us. We are no longer invisible to them, either.

I have eighty-four friends on Facebook. I have known sixty-eight of them for years or even decades. Twenty-five of them are kindred spirits. Sixteen of them are among my closest friends. I have school and work ties to twelve of them. I have the same rare disease as six of them. I will love seven of them until the day I die, and I am unwavering in my commitment to them. I have connections with each of them that extend well beyond Facebook: We are bound by shared experience and shared purpose. I know who they are. I trust them. They are neither strangers nor strangers who appear to be friends.

Theorists such as Robin Dunbar posit that our brains don’t allow us to manage more than about one hundred fifty close or relatively close relationships. We just don’t have the ability, even with established and emerging technologies, to increase the mental and emotional requirements to closely follow, and to emotionally and intellectually engage with, more than one hundred to one hundred fifty other people.

Only I can see my list of friends on Facebook. Many people make that list public, but I won’t. I don’t want to give anyone using Facebook—even someone I don’t know at all—the ability to peruse my friends list, message or send friend requests to my friends based on their connection with me, or otherwise create the impression of being something other than they are, which is a stranger.

What happens when we have more than one hundred fifty close or relatively close relationships, even on social media? Robin Dunbar says we can neither closely follow nor emotionally and intellectually engage with our connections. I argue that something else—something more important—happens as well, which is that we give rise to virtual communities which are unsafe, ones in which the bloated network’s intrinsic dysregulation leads to infractions that take on many forms, including denigration, harassment, manipulation, coercion, assault, and even rape. All the while, those who commit the infractions walk among us, glad-handing the network’s other participants, both buttressed and seemingly protected by his or her connection with those members. The perpetrator’s continued acceptance by the network seems, in itself, like a vote of confidence in the perpetrator and also a motion of no confidence against the victim. Who wants to stand up against someone so many seem to stand with? For half a decade, I did not stand up. Even now, I am not standing. Though I am no longer crouching, I’ve only half-risen. If you can’t see me, look down: I’m the one on my knees.

Internal Dialogues

My knees were hung with tin triangular medals / to cure all forms of hysterical disease. — Carolyn Kizer

[1997. Kansas City. Figlio Italian Restaurant, Small group dinner for an iconic poet before her poetry reading. I am in attendance.]

The poet sits down at the table. She puts on her earrings. Clip-ons. She explains that they fall off. She removes them every time she goes outside so she won’t lose them. She tells her dinner companions that the earrings are expensive, not like the turquoise found in Mexico. These earrings are better, she says, because they are from Europe. The food comes. The poet complains that her companions aren’t eating enough. She insists everyone have some of her fish, cutting off a large piece for the person sitting to her left. She puts it on his plate. He eats it. She passes her squid around the table, too, for all to pick at. She orders a bottle of wine. She drinks several glasses and tells her companions about the time another iconic poet tried to rape her. She laughs as she tells the story. It’s the second time today she’s told it. The table orders more wine.

… a man can be always in the wrong and always appear to be in the right, and in the end become with the clearest conscience in the world the most unendurable tyrant and bore; and what applies to the individual can also apply to entire classes of society. — Friedrich Nietzsche

I collect toadstools and hemlock / believing that it’s possible / to be impervious to their properties, / to know only their joys. — Lauren Scharhag

Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species. — Friedrich Nietzsche

We are told that the birds with the faces of women are horribly foul and loathsome. They steal food and they smell. I am half partridge. You can tell by my graying legs and thick skin. I go by the name Stormswift. I go by the name Swiftwing. I have no name.

The internal structure of the bird is elegant. Crop. Proventriculus. Gizzard. Pancreas. Intestine. Ceca. Cloaca. Vent. These organs hang like baubles from a charm bracelet.

I used to think internal organs were ugly. Now I think they’re the most beautiful thing we never see.

The association of singing with women is an inevitable consequence considering the connection between the patriarchal construction and representation of woman first and foremost as a bodily entity and the presence of more bodily elements in singing than in instrumental music. To elaborate on the latter, there is literally more body in the singing voice—”more breath, more diaphragm muscles, a more open mouth”—because of the intensified and exaggerated vocalization when singing. Furthermore, singing is inherently a more embodied, more carnal realm than instrumental music in that the sound is produced within the performer’s body, from her throat, whereas in instrumental music, the sound source, whether piano, violin or others, is placed outside the performer’s body. — Linda Austern and Inna Naroditskaya, Music of the Sirens

First you will come to the Sirens who enchant all who come near them. If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again, for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. There is a great heap of dead men’s bones lying all around, with the flesh still rotting off them. — Homer

All I can think of is how fitting it is that in the end / it is your own poisons that get you. — Lauren Scharhag

When there is no movement, there is only a series of incidents that temporarily interrupts the system like electroconvulsive shocks to the brain. When there is a movement, someone else decides what it will be and won’t, who will be part of it and who won’t. The movement becomes a system whose structure mirrors that of the larger system it is attempting to reform or overthrow. The movement is the pill swallowed to counteract the effects of another pill.

When he found my torso, he called it his canoe, / and, using my arms as paddles, / he rowed me up and down the scummy river. — Carolyn Kizer

What is individual consciousness when the oppressor is inside everyone else’s mind?

When I envision it, I see him handling my body as if it were a corpse. I am floating above, looking down on the ruin.

Yes, there are friends, but it is error and deception regarding yourself that led them to you; and they must have learned how to keep silent in order to remain your friend; for such human relationships almost always depend upon the fact that two or three things are never said or even so much as touched upon: if these little boulders do start to roll, however, friendship follows after them and shatters. — Friedrich Nietzsche

When encountered in society, Nietzsche says, intelligent women lose their intellectual amiability and throw a harsh light on themselves, their tactics, and their objective of a public victory. The same women “become female again” and “rediscover their intellectual charm” in a dialogue for two. Charm is a bauble easily broken from the chain. Charm is the cheap way into discourse, nothing more than a token from a strip mall jewelry store.

It was as if I had been cloned, but one of me was all body and the other was no body. The part of me that was body could not move my body. The part of me that was no body had no body with which to move.

After this I’m going to cut out my tongue and use it as fertilizer for all / the flowers I’m going to grow in every window of my house. / I’m telling you there’s an after. / I’m telling you this will end. — Sarah Xerta

My body is not ready to emerge. Where others see rain, I see snow. Where others see spring, I see winter. Let me sleep a moment longer in the arms of Hades, my keeper.

I long to be as clear as the urine of a well-hydrated man.

And the breeze wound through my mouth and empty sockets / so my lungs would sigh and my dead tongue mutter. — Carolyn Kizer

I am in the field. Do not talk to me about the neighboring highway.

I dream myself wielder of the spear, / stunner, tanner, carrier of the bolt-gun. — Lauren Scharhag

When did I misplace myself, what year? Where is my garland of intestines? My skin sack? Who is using my brain as a doorstop?

O what a bright day it was! / This empty body danced on the river bank. — Carolyn Kizer

Mannose-binding lectin deficiency impairs the body’s ability to utilize the immunoglobulins it creates, as well as those imported through infusions. That’s because mannose-binding lectin is what both earmarks and breaks through the hard casing of bacterial, fungal, viral, and protozoan pathogens. You can bring in all the fighters you want, but if you can’t penetrate the source of the problem, those fighters will be reduced to witnesses. Or worse, they will wander, aimless, unaware that the pathogen is even present.

The bird flew through me and emerged as a clot of blood.

Contrary to popular belief, Roman vomitoriums were not places designated for vomiting. They were a means for quick escape. Large crowds could pass through the amphitheater’s vomitorium and into open space.

There’s always something dead crowding something living, like the mouse lying motionless beside two owlets. Like the clapper rail beside the mouse. Like the squirrel beside the clapper rail.

And when I didn’t speak / I became a secret, a testimony / against my own body. — Carl Adamshick

The more I want to speak, the more my mouth burns.

Internal Dialogues

Just as you’ve destroyed your life, here in this / small corner, so you’ve wasted it through all the world. — C. P. Cavafy

Just as your life has been destroyed, here in this / small corner, so it has been wasted through all the world. — M Ross Henry

I like the idea of serving the wholeness of others, / Purer than the laying-on of hands. — Lauren Scharhag

I am at risk of becoming the apath, the element within a broken system that enables the system to continue by tacitly accepting and supporting the role and work of the sociopath. Though I was a victim several years ago, I alone am responsible for the ongoing, relentless process of compromising myself in order to carve out a role in the system. To continue on the same path would have required becoming the very element that is essential for feeding the system’s engine, as the sociopath cannot do his or her work without a throng of apaths to actively support and further that work (or to passively look away as that work is being done). I will not victimize others indirectly. I will not shave myself off in pieces, leave gaping silences out of fear, or turn a blind eye to the truth.

I want to be as spare as an empty table, to be white and plastic and to cast off light as if it’s nothing.

Women … speak like creatures who have for millennia sat a the loom, or plied the needle, or been childish with children. — Friedrich Nietzsche

I want to spend a day not thinking my usual thoughts: / how many warm beds there are in the world and how still my hands are homeless. — Sarah Xerta

Antibodies are one component of the immune system that is designed to identify and destroy pathogens, but that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, the pathogens are not recognized as a threat. Sometimes the self is seen as the threat and attacked instead of the pathogens. Sometimes the threat is known, identified, but the antibodies cannot work together or with other parts of the immune system in order to overcome that threat. These are the lessons my body as taught me, that the disease process within me mirrors the disease process in our external systems, the systems created and advanced by mankind.

I am the apath. Spend a day as the apath and you are the apath. Spend a moment as the apath and you are the apath. A decade. A lifetime. A year.

I’ve always seen the dust on surfaces.

In the literary community, the commitment should not be to safer and more inclusive spaces. It should be to safe and inclusive spaces.

Pardon me while I cough up this wandering womb.

we / are just like everyone else / trying to build a house out of flames / in a world full of flames — Sarah Xerta

A dry rice cake is stuck inside my dry throat. My body imitates the dry cask model of waste disposal.

Why after the usual sort of social gatherings do we suffer from pangs of conscience? Because we have taken important things lightly, because in discussing people we have spoken without complete loyalty or because we have kept silent when we should have spoken, because occasionally we have not leaped up and run off, in short because we have behaved in society as though we belonged to it. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Browsing the dictionary: closet, cloven, corset, cove, cover. Do you know how many words are a variation on cover? A fungus called covered smut enters through the seed and affects the plant systemically. Passed during copulation, covering disease leads to paralysis and death in horses. The outer garment worn to conceal untidy clothes is called a coverslut, which in itself is another form of cover known as a cover-up. Cover up, coverslut, before you are covered in smut. Will you ever recover from this covering disease? Will you waste away with ease, with ease?

I think the abuser becomes part of the abused more than the abused becomes part of the abuser. With the former, there is a form of chimerism in play. With the latter? I have no idea what is in play. I can’t enter the mind or body of the abuser, other than through my role as the abused.

The loud will take care of itself, and everyone will be able to say / What happened in that direction. But who is looking / The other way? — Alberto Ríos

About suffering they were never wrong, / The old Masters: how well they understood / Its human position: how it takes place / While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along — W. H. Auden

He appears in paintings. Once, I saw him slumped over the red wool gathered under the arms of Saint John the Baptist. He was just another animal in the wilderness that rises from the dark and returns to the dark. His skin did not cast off light.