I want to sell books labeled “self-help” so I will have no obligations to research, accuracy or integrity.

I think I have my day on inside out.

Craigslist want ad: “Great Pay to $0K Immediate.” Hey, they’re advertising my job!

Please think about what you say before you go splatting it all over the place like explosive diarrhea in an elevator at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas.

I love fast computers the way some people love fast cars.

The only thing worse than being around one awkward person is being around more than one awkward person.

How I feel: like I was invited to a party only to be sent home upon arrival for wearing the wrong dress.

It is only once we are rendered useless that we may come to know how much we are, or are not, loved.

I don’t think I have a reading disorder; I think I have a reading disease.

I want to be a painting. I don’t mean I want to be painted. I mean I want to be a painting. I think it would be nice: everyone looking at me and no expectation that I do anything in return.