The human sidewalk hotdog is really excited today, jumping up and down so much his loosely attached fabric smile is flopping about on his meat face. His eyes remain hollow and unconvincing. The two stripes of mustard down his belly also unconvincing. Sometimes the human sidewalk hotdog puts one or both of his arms inside his outfit and the outfit begins to undulate. This can go on for prolonged periods. This of course leads one to wonder what he’s doing in there, if he’s making adjustments to his own hot dog, and if anyone else has to wear that getup after him.

If I had four arms and two brains, I would get a lot more done.

Lilting is not something that comes naturally to me.

Today the human sidewalk hotdog is spazzing out. Kicking, screaming, flailing about doing something sort of like jumping jacks, although he is rather constrained by his hotdog outfit. The human sidewalk hotdog is so hot he’s bound to melt the mustard right off his meaty self. He’s an amazing sight to behold. Oh, he’s lying down on the ground! He’s back up! He’s down again! I think he’s trying to breakdance!

The human sidewalk hotdog is boring today. His suit isn’t on all the way and I think it’s inside out. He’s not even moving or holding his sign. I know it is hot out, but that is no excuse for the human sidewalk hotdog to stand still, halfway out of his meat-bun casing. Dance, hotdog, dance! Oh, my mistake. That is just a regular human sidewalk person with his clothes half on and half off. My bad. Sorry hotdog.

What I want everyone to know: Any negative reaction you may have upon meeting me is entirely temporary and will not likely cause any long-term adverse effects. If you do have long-term adverse effects you feel are associated with me, please see your primary care physician. Be sure to mention your exposure to me, duration and frequency of exposure, and cumulative dosage. So far, there have only been five or so documented cases of irreparable damage. There is as of yet no cure. Palliative care is indicated.